Wishing it away won’t work….

I have spent the last couple days since I made public the fact that I have an incurable disease telling everybody that I am fine and dandy…and I am really, but one thing I don’t say…is that the future scares me. The unknown of what will or could  happen and how I will be affected by it all….Most of all the treatment ….the bone marrow biopsy, the chemo….that scares me…..I am not afraid of dying….don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die….but I am not afraid to die. This appointment I have on 4/21 at the Rex Cancer Center is not something I am looking forward to….the fact that I could be getting a bone marrow biopsy  is something I just don’t want to deal with…I have to deal with it ….but I don’t want to.  Also the fact that I most likely will have to start on chemo next week also I think will suck….You see right now even though I know I have this “incurable disease” I have no symptoms…I can work out (had a great work out at rapid fitness tonight) I go about my day like I am fine and dandy….but then comes the 21st and they start fucking with me….sticking a needle in my spinal cord….making me take yucky medicine….Thoughts crawl all over my brain throughout the day….so if I die…how will Nolan handle it….I worry about my boy….if something were to happen to me….I mean he is such a daddy’s boy….I don’t care about me so much…but I don’t want him to be sad or scared….that worries  me.  Remember I am just venting the thoughts and worries that flash in my brain from time to time….I am not sitting here wringing my hands ….just the constant flood of thoughts …..I wish I could turn them off….they only come to the surface here…..this is my outlet….so thanks for listening….

The short name for Essential Thrombocythemia  is ET…..well just so there is no mis-conception….I hate you ET……ET go home…or go back  where ever you came from…..for the first time in my life I don’t want to admit it…but I am a little scared…again not afraid of dying…but of the future…and what it holds for me. Even though I am a little scared….I will never give in…I will never back down from you ET….Oh and ET….it looks like you have ended me having an occasional Cigar which I loved to do…so fuck you very much for that too…..To end on a high note I am going golfing tomorrow with my buddies….I will let you know how that went….That’s it for now….until next time…..I am doing great….I hope you are too……..Happy Thursday !!